Fear

Fear was the stranger outside
Watching me in the shower
Fear was the monster under my bed
When ever I tried to sleep

Fear was the stalker in the shadows
When I walked in the hood at night
Fear was the man in the dark corners, waiting to pounce, claim my body, suck my blood
Fear was always there you know, waiting there

He was the nightmare at night
Fear was the night
Fear was that feeling of a sand papered hand brushing against my thighs again in the deep of the night
Fear is how I held my breath in so tight
Fear was being to weak to fight
Fear was those forbidden thoughts in my head, to maybe stab him with a knife...
It was crawling into the corner of my bed in flight
Fear was a prisoner of my will as I tried to rub the thought out of my head
Two years later
Five years later
Ten years later

Fear was the coming domination
The presence of a sin we both new was wrong
Fear was the fall
The fight
Fear was embracing the dark marks that decorated my body
It was the dark purple bruises telling me I couldn't tell anyone

Its been fifteen years
On the darker days, I feel his breath
His scent crawls into my skin to remind me I should be afraid

In my coffee, I see his face reminding me hurting me was his pleasure

In the echoes I hear my own inner child groaning
In the unbearable pain of some deep abandoned mine

Fear lost that child's voice and even when life found it, they never voiced that part of him
That part of me

When fear formed, he lost his voice
When he found his voice, fear wasn't lost
It was never fear when they talked about rape
but said mine was a call for attention and I was silenced

It wasn't fear that made rape culture normal because she was female Nonexistent 

(because he was male)
It was fear that made me afraid to live, to breathe, to be
To feel
It was fear that took over my life, my views of people, my memories
my soul
It was fear that haunted me when I saw my best friend's father wearing that same shirt
It was fear that broke me when I saw someone like him on 'People you may know'
Even when you think you've beaten fear
It goes on and beats you best
It finds you in your sleep
Holds you, suffocates you, kills you bit by bit
In your dreams,
it conceals itself in different forms.
And even when it isn't direct,
you know it's there
I could feel it
It slipped itself into everything I did and felt
Now its the fear that may be crazy to someone who wont understand it
Now its the fear of the child next door giving excuses to the 'why its got to be' and why 'they need to be silent'
The fear or of being taken advantage of, sexually.
And maybe we are a little crazy from what has happened to us.

But you wont know this fear until his touched you.


#Fear #Hurt #Rape #Voice #RapeCulture

Rayanne Prince Chidzvondo