Fear

Fear was the stranger outside
Watching me in the shower
Fear was the monster under my bed
When ever I tried to sleep

Fear was the stalker in the shadows
When I walked in the hood at night
Fear was the man in the dark corners, waiting to pounce, claim my body, suck my blood
Fear was always there you know, waiting there

He was the nightmare at night
Fear was the night
Fear was that feeling of a sand papered hand brushing against my thighs again in the deep of the night
Fear is how I held my breath in so tight
Fear was being to weak to fight
Fear was those forbidden thoughts in my head, to maybe stab him with a knife...
It was crawling into the corner of my bed in flight
Fear was a prisoner of my will as I tried to rub the thought out of my head
Two years later
Five years later
Ten years later

Fear was the coming domination
The presence of a sin we both new was wrong
Fear was the fall
The fight
Fear was embracing the dark marks that decorated my body
It was the dark purple bruises telling me I couldn't tell anyone

Its been fifteen years
On the darker days, I feel his breath
His scent crawls into my skin to remind me I should be afraid

In my coffee, I see his face reminding me hurting me was his pleasure

In the echoes I hear my own inner child groaning
In the unbearable pain of some deep abandoned mine

Fear lost that child's voice and even when life found it, they never voiced that part of him
That part of me

When fear formed, he lost his voice
When he found his voice, fear wasn't lost
It was never fear when they talked about rape
but said mine was a call for attention and I was silenced

It wasn't fear that made rape culture normal because she was female Nonexistent 

(because he was male)
It was fear that made me afraid to live, to breathe, to be
To feel
It was fear that took over my life, my views of people, my memories
my soul
It was fear that haunted me when I saw my best friend's father wearing that same shirt
It was fear that broke me when I saw someone like him on 'People you may know'
Even when you think you've beaten fear
It goes on and beats you best
It finds you in your sleep
Holds you, suffocates you, kills you bit by bit
In your dreams,
it conceals itself in different forms.
And even when it isn't direct,
you know it's there
I could feel it
It slipped itself into everything I did and felt
Now its the fear that may be crazy to someone who wont understand it
Now its the fear of the child next door giving excuses to the 'why its got to be' and why 'they need to be silent'
The fear or of being taken advantage of, sexually.
And maybe we are a little crazy from what has happened to us.

But you wont know this fear until his touched you.


#Fear #Hurt #Rape #Voice #RapeCulture

Rayanne Prince Chidzvondo

Reflections

Staring at her reflection in the mirror, not thinking anything and just staring.
A few minutes later she takes a deep breath and opens the drawer
Takes out a box and observes it for quite a whileq
She takes out a blood red lip color and begins to apply
While applying the lipstick she remembers how exciting dressing up was to her when she was a child
When she was still skinny
With the small waist, smaller thighs
With the right look of perfection
This red color is much brighter to her than now
The bangles in her hand are much more fascinating than what they really are
She recalls the days when she used to steal  her mother's makeup kit, She recalls how her mother used to beat her up as if she had committed some heavy sin
Her eyes were much sparkling when she was a little kid
Now even the coal pencil cannot bring that shine again
She stands up without any emotions, She is as blank as a white paper.
Her long black hair and wide eyes compliment her outfit completely.
Oh how beautiful she looks but something is missing.
There is no happiness on the face of the girl who always loved to look pretty.
She is living the nightmare of most women her age.
How unfair her life is she thinks, with this thought, tears roll  down.
She takes a deep breathe and controls her emotions.
Her room is that of a classic fanciful woman.
Her movement is that of a graceful lady
But for her this is nothing of value for everything she is, is reflected by her face.
This room was decorated for her like this everyday,
Shes the spitting image of broken woman.
She fears she is more scar than skin. More salt than water.
More fat than normal.
With deep dark black chocolate skin
But she ain't gonna make it unless she ain't got that light buttercup skin
Society will fight her because shes no longer the carrier of a stereotypical curvy woman
To say fat don't mean curvy
Nights haunt her, moons scare her.
She hates to be alone
To not also have the touch of a man caress her inner thighs
To not have the touch of a men, whose long hands wrap around her neck as he whispers some sweet words into her ear
Ticklish...
Tick
Tick
Tick
Men frighten her.
For too long, they have rejected her.
Now she knows why her mother used to stop her whenever she said she wants be like her,
Now she knows why her mother cried whenever she hugged her.
These bangles are fetters to her, All the colours are not so happy for her. Her innocence is lost somewhere, she don't even remember when she laughed last without faking.
She is like a body without soul. She is like a night with no moon.
If only knew she was beautiful
An that beauty doesn't always come on tv screens and magazines
So its okay to no be pretty enough
Its okay to not feel the flaws nibbling at the core of ones heart
Its the scars that make us beautiful
Its the scars that turn to silver and gold
Beauty is beyond the mirrors view,
Beauty defeats peoples opinions,because its more than that.
Beauty is learning to be satisfied with self and not comparing yourself to others,
Beauty is loving and respecting yourself,
Beauty is a loving heart,
Beauty is a beautiful soul...
Beauty is empathy,
Its love,
Its a heart that cares,
Its the eyes that see beyond the appearance,
Its the lips that speak peace and laughter and love,
Its the body that feels the beat of good music,
Its simply not enough beauty to reflect on the beauty that doesn't matter

If only she could stare deeper in her soul and say
"Hie, I am an ordinary woman
Certainly no movie star looks
I think I am a bit overweight
And have quiet personality
a bit conservative really.
But I'm sure you will love me"


#Beauty #Truth #Reflections #Poetry #SelfLove #Honesty #Mother #Mirrors